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Sep 02
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, “I’ve got news for you. You’re going straight to hell!”
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, “Man, I’m on the wrong bus!”
Aug 28
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
“Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him.
“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments asked, “How does that feel?”
He replied, “It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.”
Aug 28
A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
“Why are you eating grass?” he asked the man.
“I don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.
“Oh, please come to my house!”
“But sir, I have a wife and four children…”
“Bring them along!” the rich man said.
They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in.”
The rich man replied, “No, you don’t understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall”
Aug 27
I’ve just started a new business building yachts in my attic.
Sails are going through the roof.
Aug 27
WOMAN’S DIARY
27 June 2010 Sunday
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.
I’d been shopping in the afternoon with the girls
and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that.
The bar was really crowded and loud,
so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.
He was still very subdued and distracted
so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just didn’t seem himself
- he hardly laughed and didn’t seem to be
paying any attention to me or to what I was saying,
I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in,
He hesitated but followed.
I asked him what was wrong,
but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.
After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed,
I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply,
He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.
He didn’t follow me up immediately but came up later and,
to my surprise, we made love – but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.
I cried myself to sleep –
I think he’s planning to leave me –
maybe he’s found someone else.
- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -
MAN’S DIARY:
Saturday 27 June
England lost.
Gutted.
Got my leg over though 
Aug 26
A catholic man opens his new tub of margarine and in it sees the face of Jesus Christ.
His Asian neighbour looks at it and says “I can’t believe it’s not Buddha!”
Aug 25
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews
and testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of
the men to a large metal door and handed
him a gun.
‘We must know that you will follow your
instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
in a chair .. . . Kill her!!’
The man said, ‘You can’t be serious. I could
never shoot my wife.’
The agent said, ‘Then you’re not the right man
for this job. Take your wife and go home.’
The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room.. All was
quiet for a bout 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, ‘I tried,
but I can’t kill my wife.’ The agent said, ‘You don’t
have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.’
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the
same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
after another. They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
‘This gun is loaded with blanks’ she said. ‘I had to
beat him to death with the chair.’
MORAL:
Women are crazy. Don’t mess with them…
Aug 21
THE PATRIOT MICRO CHIP is intended to be implanted in terrorists.
The implant is specifically designed to be installed in the forehead.
When properly installed, it will allow the one implanted, to speak to God
It comes in various sizes:
The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly skilled technician.
The implant may or may not be painless. Side effects, like headaches and nausea, are temporary.
Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site.
Please enjoy the security we provide for you.
Best regards
SAS
Special Air Service
Aug 04
Having had no dates or sex for 5 years, a woman goes to see Chinese sex therapist Dr Chang.
Inside his office, he says, “Now take off all your crows, get down and craw reery reery fas to other side room.”
So the lady does so, and craws reery reery fas back… As she does Dr Chang shakes his head. “Your problem vewy vewy bad, worse case Ed Zachery disease i ever see, dat why u get no date”.
The lady says, “My God, whats Ed Zachery disease?
Dr says, “It’s when your face look Ed Zachery like your ass!”
Aug 04
I bought a dog from the blacksmith today.
First thing it did when I got it home was make a bolt for the door
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