Highena

John Terry’s affair with teammate Wayne Bridge’s partner Vanessa Perroncel has already stoked up a ton of jokes and terrace songs. Here’s a selecton:

Ashley Cole was caught doing 104mph in a 50mph zone. When questioned by police as to why he was speeding, he said: “l’ve just heard JT is parked outside my house!”

England manager Fabio Capello phoned Wayne Bridge and said: “JT’s lost the captain’s armband. Can you do me a favour and have a good look under your bed for it?”

So JT was sleeping with Wayne Bridge’s girl. Poor old Wayne – he wasn’t even first choice with his missus.

It’s a good thing JT doesn’t bring all his girlfriends to watch him play every match. Abramovich would have to increase the capacity of Stamford Bridge by 20,000.

Newsflash just in: “Bridge close to collapsing in Manchester. Support needed.”

So JT has been caught stealing another man’s girl. I bet his old mum will be so proud he’s learned something from her.

Somebody bought me a box of Terry’s All Gold. I was shocked to find new chocs called French Fancy and Cheat Cluster.

What have Wayne’s ex-missus and the 2008 Champions League final goalpost got in common? They’ve both been banged by JT.

John Terry, former Dad Of The Year.
Kerry Katona, former Mum Of The Year.
I bet Ronnie Wood is polishing his Grandad Of The Year award right now.

The England team have voted for Terry to keep his place in the World Cup squad. With the ban on WAGs travelling to South Africa, no one wants him left behind.

(To the tune of Lord Of The Dance) “Chelsea, wherever they may be, “Don’t leave your bird with John Terry.

“Cos he likes a shag, he likes a bit of fluff, “And he’ll get your missus up the duff!”

Did you know JT has scored 28 times at the Bridge? Nah, nor did Wayne.

What’s John Terry’s favourite song? Under The Bridge.

Wayne asked Vanessa Perroncel if she’d ever cheated on him. She confessed she had – three times. “THREE!” He cried. “When?”

She said: “Remember no one would give you a mortgage, then the bank manager came to see me and agreed it? Then the time you needed that leg operation and it was too tricky so the doc refused – until he came to see me and then you were sorted?

“Then the third time was when you really, really wanted to be made captain of Chelsea and you were those ten votes short… ”

Wayne sent his missus a replica of his willy made from Cadbury’s chocolate. But she refused it, saying she prefers Terry’s!

Bridge refuses to play for England while John Terry’s captain…let’s hope he starts cheating with Heskey’s missus too.

Compiled by The Sun

An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.

At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

“You have been to France before, Monsieur?” the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

“Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready.”

The British gentleman says, “The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.”

“Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!”

The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.

Then he quietly explained;

“Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn’t find any Frenchmen to show it to.”

Tequila

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it’s filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, “What’s with the money in the jar?”

“Well…, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus.”

The man certainly isn’t going to pass this up, so he asks, “What are the three tests?”

“You gotta pay first,” says the bartender, “those are the rules.”

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

“Okay,” says the bartender, “here’s what you need to do:

First – You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can’t make a face while doing it.”

“Second – There’s a pit bull chained in the backwith a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.”

“Third – There’s a 90-year old lady upstairs who’s never had sex. You have to take care of that problem.”

The man is stunned! “I know I paid my $10 — but I’m not an idiot! I won’t do it! You’d have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!”

“Your call,” says the bartender, “but, your money stays where it is.”

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, “Where’s the damn tequila?!”

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks — but he doesn’t make a face — and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight — then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he’s bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, “Now…, where’s that old woman with the bad tooth?”

Sister Mary was teaching her Sunday School class one morning and she asked the question, “When you die and go to Heaven…which part of your body goes first?”

Suzy raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands.”

“Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?”

Suzy replied, “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.”

“What a wonderful answer!” the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sister, I think it’s your feet.”

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. “Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?”

Little Johnny said, “Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy’s bedroom the other night Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, “Oh God, I’m coming!”

“If Dad hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her.”

Sister Mary fainted.

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell’s Angels bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man’s pie, and then he took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man’s milk, and then he took a seat at the counter.

The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man’s plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, “Humph, not much of a man, was he?”

The waitress replied, “Not much of a truck driver, either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale ‘ He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

‘You talk?’ he asks.

‘Yep,’ the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ‘So, what’s your story?’
The Lab looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.’
‘I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.’ ‘I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.

‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’

‘Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that crap.

Pick Up Lines that Might Get You Slapped

26. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted “CRAZY” then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was “CRAZY” and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked “What are you doing?” I told him I was a light bulb. He said “You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.”
I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker followed me, the Boss said to her, “And where do you think you’re going?”

She said, “I’m obviously going home too, I can’t work in the dark!”

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son’s House.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

‘What are you doing?’ she asked.

‘I’m waiting for Justin to come home from work.’ The daughter-in-law answered.

‘ But you’re naked!’ the mother-in-law exclaimed.

‘This is my love dress,’ the daughter-in-law  explained.

‘Love dress? But you’re naked!’

‘Justin loves me to wear this dress,’ she explained.

‘Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.’

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in  and saw her lying there so provocatively.

‘ What are you doing?’ he asked…

‘This is my love dress,’ she whispered, sensually.

‘Needs ironing,’ he said, ‘What’s for dinner?

Mickey was in a bar having a drink, and the barmaid was one sexy 
Looking blonde lady!
 
He slapped a ten spot on the table and said, “I bet I can keep an eye 
On this drink while I go to the bathroom.”
 She knew the bathroom was around the corner so she accepted the bet.
 He took his glass eye out, placed it beside the drink and went to the bathroom.
 
“Bet you I can bite my own ear,” Mickey challenged next.
 The bet was accepted. He took out his false teeth & nipped his ear.
 Once more he scooped up the money.
 
“Okay,” he said, “I’ll give you a chance to win your money back.
 I bet I can make love to you so tenderly you won’t feel a thing.”
 Now that was one thing she knew about, so she accepted the bet.
 
Mickey lifted her skirt & away they went.
 ”I can feel you.” she giggled.
 
“Oh well,” he grinned, “You win some, you lose some!!”