Highena

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’
Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”
The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of bitter and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, ‘But you’re a duck’.

‘I see your eyes are working’, replies the duck.

‘And you talk!’ exclaims the barman.

‘I see your ears are working’, says the duck, ‘Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?’

‘Certainly’, says the barman, ’sorry about that, it’s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?’

‘I’m working on the building site across the road’, explains the duck.

Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The Ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him, ‘You’re with the circus aren’t you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!’.

‘Sounds marvelous’, says the ringmaster, ‘get him to give me a call’.

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, ‘Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!’

‘Yeah?’ says the duck, ‘Sounds great, where is it?’

‘At the circus’, says the barman.

‘The circus?’ the duck enquires.

‘That’s right’, replies the barman.

‘The circus?’ the duck asks again.

‘Yes’ says the barman

‘That place with the big tent?’ the duck enquires.

‘Yeah’ the barman replies.

‘With all the animals?’ the duck questioned.

‘Of Course’ the barman replies.

‘With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle’, asks the duck.

‘That’s right!’ says the barman.

The duck looks confused.

‘What the fuck would they want with a plasterer?’

A man takes his wife to the county livestock show, and they head down the aisle that houses the bulls. The sign on the first stall states, THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR.

The wife turns to her husband and says, “He mated 50 times in a year. Isn’t that nice!” After passing a bull that had mated 65 times, she grinningly quips, “You could learn from this one!”

They reach the last bull, whose ownder is stroking the massive beast’s head. “How many times has your bull mated this year?” asks the wife.

“This here’s the pride of the County: 365 times, ma’am.”

The wife’s jaw drops, and she turns to her husband. “Wow! You could really learn from this one. You should ask him what his secret is!”

The fed-up man turns to the breeder and says, “Hey, was it all with the same cow?”

A bloke see’s an ad in a pet shop:

“Talking Centipede For Sale - £5000″

He decides to buy it and takes it home in a small box and after about 30 minutes he opens the lid and asks it if it fancies going for a beer.

The centipede doesn’t answer!

Raising his voice the man repeats the question, “Hey, do you fancy going for a pint?”

Again there is no response from the box.

Getting angry thinking he’s been ripped off he shouts the question again at which point the centipede stick his head out the box and says,

“I heard you the first time, I was putting my fuckin’ shoes on!”

It’s two o’clock in the morning and a husband and wife are asleep, when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and says, “Hello?… How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?” — and prompty slams the phone down.

His wife rolls over and asks, “Who was that?”

The husband replies. “I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.”

I went to the swimming baths yesterday and was kicked out for wearing my Speedo trunks. It was only when I got home I realised that the “P” had rubbed off.

A woman goes to her priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest inquired. “They say ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’”

“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. “You know,” he said, “I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying …that phrase… in no time.”

“Thank you,” the woman responded, “this may very well be the solution.” The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, “Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!”

A man is drivng down a country lane when his car suddenly breaks down. He gets out and opens the bonet, and while he’s examining inside he hears a voice from behind him.

“That’ll be your spark plugs, mate. Give them a clean and you should be able to start the engine.”

The guy looks round and sees a horse in the field.

“What the… Did you just say that?” he asks the horse.

“Sure did,” the horse says.

“A talking horse?”

“Like I said,” the horse goes on, “give the spark plugs a bit of a clean.”

The man, dumbfounded, does as the horse suggests, then gets in the car and turns the ignition. Sure enough the car starts first time.

He puts his head out the window. “Well thanks, Mr Horse.”

“No problem,” the horse says. “Have a good day.”

A few miles down the road the guy sees a pub, and pulls over. “I’ve got to have a drink after that.”

He goes in the pub and says to the barman, “You won’t believe what just happened to me.”

“What’s that then?” the barman asks.

“My car broke down up the road there, and when I got out a horse told me how to fix it.”

“A black horse?” the barman asks.

“That’s right,” the guy answers.

“Lucky it wasn’t the white one,” the barman says. “He knows nothing about cars.”

Its the grand final of Stars in their eyes, and the host, Matthew Kelly, announces the last contestant.

“Give a warm welcome to Dave from Dudley.”

The screen goes back and out hobbles a guy on walking sticks.

“Dave,” Matthew says, “what on earth happened to you?”

“Well, Matthew,” he says, “after the last round me uncle Tony picked me up from the studio, like, and drove me home. Well, we pulled out at a junction, and got hit by a big truck. Me uncle Tony, I’m sad to say, didn’t make it.”

“Oh, I’m terribly sad to hear that,” says Matthew.

“I was very lucky,” Dave said. “the engine completely crushed my legs. I had them amputated, but through the miracle of modern surgery they managed to sew my Uncle Tony’s leg onto my body. I’m having physiotherapy and I’m coming on a bit every day now.”

“What an extraordinary story,” Matthew says. “So tell us, Dave, who are you going to be tonight.”

“Tonight Matthew,” he says, “I’m going to be Simon and half uncle.”

I’ve just been offered a job with the Brittle Bone Society. I had an interview with their managing director and he offered me $50,000 a year salary.

I snapped his hand off.