A selection of fifty classic funny quotes, ideal for starting off your day with a cheer by posting to your Facebook status update.
I ain’t sleeping. I’m just taking a good look at the insides of my eyelids.
– Johathan Raban
You know what the trouble about real life is? There’s no danger music.
– Jim Carrey
What’s another word for thesaurus?
– Steven Wright
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
– Franklin P. Jones
Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?
– Will Rogers.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic and so am I
– Bill Murray
Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.
– Benny Hill
There Are Three Kinds of People – Those Who Can Count and Those Who Can’t
– Anonymous
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.
– Issac Asimov
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
– Mark Twain
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
– Emo Philips
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said ‘no’.
– Woody Allen
A good sermon should be like a woman’s skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials.
– Ronald Knox
He who laughs last has not yet heard the bad news.
– Bertolt Brecht
A woman drove me to drink, and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.
– W.C. Fields
We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.
– Napoleon Bonaparte
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
– Robert Bloch
You can’t deny laughter; when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants.
– Stephen King fromHearts in Atlantis.
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils …
– Louis Hector Berlioz
Laughter is higher than all pain.
– Elbert Hubbard
Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
– Victor Borge
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try’.
– Homer Simpson
Not by wrath does one kill, but by laughter.
– Friedrich Nietzsche
Start every day with a smile and get it over with.
– W.C. Fields
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
– Henny Youngman
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
– Charlie Chaplin
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
– Will Rogers
Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.
– Joey Adams
I have opinions of my own – strong opinions – but I don’t always agree with them.
– George Bush
Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.
– Al Bundy
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.
– Socrates
I never think of the future – it comes soon enough.
– Albert Einstein
You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
– Dean Martin
If you love your job, you haven’t worked a day in your life.
– Tommy Lasorda
I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor
Ninety percent of the game is half mental.
– Jim Wohford
A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.
– Bill Cosby
Marriage is like pi – natural, irrational, and very important.
– Lisa Hoffman
Cheese… milk’s leap toward immortality.
— Clifton Fadiman
Procrastination gives you something to look forward to.
– Joan Konner
The downhill path is easy, but there’s no turning back.
– Christina Rossetti
I haven’t reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
– Ilie Nastase
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
– Anonymous
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn’t understand me.
– G.W. Hegel
You’re about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
— Rowan Atkinson
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
– WC Fields
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
– Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
– Jimmy Durante
I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.
– Douglas Adams
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
– Woody Allen
