Highena

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

Members of the popular messageboard 4chan have been responsible for a number of online pranks over the past few years. Who could ever forget Rickrolling? Now, many members are turning vigilante, targetting people such as the Coventry lady who threw a kitten in a bin, and posting her personal details online.

A girl who filmed herself throwing puppies into a river is the latest victim of 4Chan’s members wrath. Although cruelty is inexcusable, many of the threats are extreme.

Are online vigilante groups justifiable? What do you think?

National Vault Services
Deposit Department
Federal Secreteriat
Ikoyi-Lagos

Dear Beneficiary,

This is to inform you that arrangements have been concluded regarding the shipment of your consignment of funds to your country. I chose to conclude it and make sure it is off already before contacting you. I found out that this consignment has been lying here because of non-payment of shipment fees.

This is why I decided to use my connections as the Shipment officer in charge of the National Security warehouse. (This is where all the abandoned consignments in Nigeria are kept at the orders of the Government of Nigeria).

The consignment left Lagos Nigeria yesterday night en-route your country via London. It is a metal box, silver in color with a weight of about 150kg, the box is declared as containing diplomatic /inheritance documents only. The name of the Courier Company based in London is Air Courier International Ltd

Call me immediately so that I can give you the phone and fax numbers of the courier company in London so that you can confirm when the consignment will arrive.

I am doing this for you because I studied your file and discovered that you have paid a lot of money before abandoning this consignment and I believe you will compensate me well when you receive the consignment.

Note: I know the content of the Box because I could see the amount you are being owned by the Federal Government. This is why I decided to get involved. You must also know that this arrangement do not concern all the people you were dealing with in Nigeria before today as this consignment/Payment has been surrendered to the Government. Hence my involvement

Waiting for your call or mail.

Yours sincerely,

Arthur Francis Udom
Operations manager

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
“Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him.

“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments asked, “How does that feel?”

He replied, “It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.”

A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

“Why are you eating grass?” he asked the man.

“I don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.

“Oh, please come to my house!”

“But sir, I have a wife and four children…”

“Bring them along!” the rich man said.

They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in.”

The rich man replied, “No, you don’t understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall”

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress-$5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original Colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes — one Colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can “do” your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.