Highena

Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement. Whereas the party of the first part, also known as ‘the lawyers’ and the party of the second part, also known as ‘the light bulb’ do hereby agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination ofthe area ranging from the front (North) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just through the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (light bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1. The party of the first part (lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (light bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (light bulb) in a counter clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (light bulb), notwithstanding the aformentioned failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) to perform the customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (lawyer) throughout.

2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (light bulb) becomes seperated from the party of the third part (‘receptacle’), the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (light bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable EU, UK, and local statutes.

3. Once seperation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (lawyer) shall have the option of beginning the installation of the party of the fourth part (‘new light bulb’). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse procedures described in step one of this self same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable and only until the party of the fourth part (new light bulb) becomes snug in the party of the third part (receptacle) and in fact becomes the party of the second part (light bulb).

Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (lawyer), by said party of the first part (lawyer), or by his or her heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him or her to do som the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (North) door consistent with maximisation of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as ‘The Firm’.

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan
desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water,
he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a
small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, ‘Do you have water?’

The Jewish man replied, ‘I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They
are only $5.’

The Taliban shouted, ‘Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need
water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!

‘OK,’ said the old Jewish man, ‘it does not matter that you do not want to
buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will
find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.’

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he
staggered back, almost dead.

‘Your f***ing brother won’t let me in without a tie!’

As touching as the story is of Jade Goody dying, there’s something remarkably macabre about the press coverage of it all. I cannot remember another celebrity having so much coverage over a terminal illness. To me, headlines such as, “Shuddering Jade’s lips turned blue” are a little bit tasteless. It doesn’t seem all that long ago that the press were dubbing her Gobby Jade and calling her a racist bully. Now, she is our “brave Jade”.

It has to be said, she has handled it brilliantly, openly admitting that she’ll do any press coverage in order to make money to leave to her sons. Fair play to her.

Her wedding to Jack Tweed will get the full press exposure, and no doubt her illness will grace the front pages until Jade is dead. But when we actually look at the life of Jade Goody, does it really warrant such attention? Big brother contestant, a few excersice videos, a racial scandal, and here we are, watching a sick woman die. When we scan the daily headlines is this really the kind of the thing we want to read about and see images of? It’s a story purely for the car-crash rubber-neckers.

The wedding will be aired live on thursday, March 12 at 9pm on Living TV.

After all the fuss surrounding University Challenge contestant, Gail Trimble, it turns out one of her team members wasn’t actually a student any longer. Sam Kay, from Surrey, was working as an accountant at PricewaterhouseCoopers.

Kay said, “I hugely regret not confirming my change of status to the University Challenge programme makers before the final rounds.”

Man, I bet he feels quilty.

Still licking its wounds from the embarrassment of being one of the first sources to claim Atlantis had been found on Google Ocean, The Sun newspaper today takes a swipe at the search engine’s Google Earth, claiming it is an invitation to terrorists.

Just whose doing the inviting here? Thanks, The Sun, why not go there and paint a big bullseye for them?

Quote:

Military experts warn that would make it easy for terrorists to launch accurate mortar or rocket attacks.

One told The Sun: “A strike on our nuclear capability would cause untold devastation. Terrorists could have a field day, knowing exactly where to aim strikes to cause the maximum devastation.”

Just another day of the usual media scaremongering and shit-stirring.