Highena

A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole - heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he’ll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, Some ass hole wants to buy half a head of lettuce. As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, And this gentleman here has kindly offered to buy the other half, is that OK.

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?

“Canada, sir, the boy replied.

Well, why did you leave Canada? the manager asked.

The boy said, Sir, there’s nothing but whores and hockey players up there.

Really? said the manager. My wife is from Canada.

No kidding? replied the boy. Who’d she play for?

Before - You take my breath away.
After - I feel like I’m suffocating.

Before - Twice a night.
After - Twice a month.

Before - She loves the way I take control of a Situation.
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.

Before - Saturday Night Live.
After - Monday Night Football.

Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars.
After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he’s done…

Before - Don’t Stop.
After - Don’t Start.

Before - The Sound of Music.
After - The Sound of Silence.

Before - Is that all you are eating?
After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.

Before - It’s like living in a dream.
After - It’s a bloody nightmare.

Before - Turbocharged.
After - Needs a jump-start

Before - We agree on everything!
After - Doesn’t she have a mind of her own?

Before - Victoria’s Secret.
After - Fruit of the Loom.

Before - Feathers & handcuffs.
After - Ball and chain.

Before - Idol.
After - Idle.

Before - He’s lost without me.
After - Why can’t he ask for directions?

Before - When we’re together, time stands still.
After - This relationship is going nowhere.

Before - I can hardly believe we found each other.
After - How the hell did I end up with someone like you?