Highena

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts ‘this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!’, and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks
off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts.. ‘Did anybody else here see my face?’.

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.

‘Did anybody else see my face?’ he shouts again, waving his gun around.

There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner…….. ‘I think my missus caught a glimpse….’

Now that every company and his dog have realised the power of the internet and online marketing, SEO is now big business in every country. Type in “SEO” followed by a country name and you’ll find pages and pages of SEO companies offering their services. This is where many companies now throw their advertising budget - by climbing the search engines they have realised that their ROI can be quite substantial.

To give you an idea of how competetive the SEO field now is, doing a search for “SEO Holland” on Google came back with 1,190,000 results. By the way, in Dutch “search engine optimisation” means:
Zoekmachine Optimalisatie (bet you didn’t know that).

Not only is it SEO that has become so competetive. Similarly, web design, PPC management, and all other site growth aspects have seen a real boom in the past few years. As an example, Web Design Thailand returned 1,240,000 results.

Like the Indian call center trend, SEO companies from developing nations can offer the same results at a fraction of the cost of those in the west.

How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.
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The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
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Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
Attend …. Except one. Which animal does not attend?
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Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.? This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and
You do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
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Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the Professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

Here’s a quick test for you to take. This just proves that we have become way too dependent on our computers.

Q: How Many Legs Do You Have?

To find out the answer, look down…

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.Look down, not scroll down!

Good Day

I am using this opportunity to thank you for your effort to our unfinished
transfer of fund into your account,
I want to inform you that I have successfully transferred the Cheque
out of the
company to someone else
who was capable of assisting me in this great venture .Due to your
effort,sincerity,courage you showed at the course of the transaction I want to
compensate you with the sum of $500,000.00 (FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND
UNITED STATES
DOLLARS ONLY.).
You are to contact the finance house for the collection of the certified bank
draft.

Name: Mr.Osoba Williams
EMAIL: mrosobawilliams1@gmail.com
Tel: 009-234-80-79-005-138

At the moment, I am very busy here because of the investment projects I am
having at hand. Finally,I have forwarded instruction to the finance house on
your behalf to send the bank draft to you as soon as you contact them.

Best Regards,
Mrs. Alice Jane

Please don’t brand me a racist or a bigot for posting this, just see the funny side please.

WIN A COUNCIL HOUSE

Good morning and welcome to a brand new edition of ‘ASYLUM’.

Today’s program features another chance to take part in our exciting competition: Hijack an airliner and win a council house! We’ve already given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor the British Taxpayer. And don’t forget, we’re now the fastest growing game on the planet.

Anyone can play, provided they don’t already hold a valid British passport, and you only need one word of English: ‘ASYLUM’!.

Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at £180 a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging and accosting drivers at traffic lights. This competition is open to everyone buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our partner airlines, ferry companies or Eurostar.

No application ever refused reasonable or unreasonable. All you have to do is destroy all your papers and remember the magic password: ‘ASYLUM’.

Only this week 140 members of the Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown Goat Class from Kabul to our international gateway at Stansted where local law enforcement officers were on hand to fast-track them to their luxury £200-a-night rooms in the fabulous four star Hilton Hotel. They join tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hotels all over Britain .

Our most popular destinations also include the White Cliffs of Dover and the world famous Toddington Services area In Historic Bedfordshire.

If you still don’t understand the rules, don’t forget there’s no need to phone a friend or ask the audience, just apply for legal aid.
Hundreds of lawyers, social workers and counsellors are waiting to help. It won’t cost you a penny,

so play today; it could change your life forever.

Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-Pinochet activists, anti-Pinochet activists, Kosovan drug-smugglers, Tamil tigers, bogus Bosnians, Rwandan mass murderers, Somali guerrillas…COME ON DOWN!

Get along to the airport, get along to the lorry park, get along to the ferry terminal. Don’t stop in Germany or France . Go straight to Britain and you are guaranteed to be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners in the softest game on earth.

Everyone’s a winner, when they play ‘ASYLUM’.

A 98 year old woman in the UK wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1 To make an appointment to see me.
2 To query a missing payment.
3 To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5 To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6 to transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7 To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorised Contact)
8 To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.
9 To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman;
DOESNT SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!)

Dear friend

I needed to contact you; it’s due to a business worth (Thirty-Eight
million Five Hundred and Ninety One Thousand Five Hundred and Ninety Five
United State Dollars only) in a bank in Hong Kong.

If you are interested, email me via: yenchong0@yahoo.com.hk

Mr. Yen

Anybody seen this girl before? Apparently she’s my new girlfriend.

She sent me that picture with the following message:

Greetings my friend!!! My name is Sevil. To me of 31 years. . I saw your structure on a site, and you interested me. And I have decided to write only to you! My girlfriend has counted the guy by means of the Internet, and now they are together very happy also the friend as the friend! It advised me to try to get acquainted also. And now I wish to describe me not so: I the clever, beautiful and formed woman I very much love children, If you are interested in Me if you wish to see My photos, please write To Me on mine email: gentlesevil2008@gmail.com, because I shall be capable to answer you only from this address. I hope to find the answer from you Your new girlfriend Sevil!!

Let me know if you’ve ever received anything similar. It looks like some sort of scam.